“It must have been something I did or said or didn’t do…”
For many of us, when something goes wrong at work or in our relationships – when something triggers our fears – it is easy to internalize the problem…and then mull over and over again in our minds how the scene should have gone.
As highly conscious people, our better self knows that mulling, stewing, blaming ourselves is not ultimately helpful.
But it’s hard to resist the emotional tug of how we could have been better able to control the situation.
In other words, we offer a passive reminder to our self that we could have done more, that we should have done more…that we haven’t done enough, that we’re imperfect, deficient, lacking…
And so the mental cycle begins to crumple our self-esteem.
The truth is our sense of deficiency is a construct in our own mind. We are so busy blaming ourselves that we don’t stop to ask “imperfect according to whom? Not enough according to whom?”
Who is really telling you that you’re not enough?
1) Notice what’s true
Often when we internalize an issue we start a conversation with our self that’s wrought with undertones of guilt, fear, and blame. We tell our self that such and such must have happened because we’re deficient as a friend, partner, or parent.
But I urge you to examine the facts. Just the facts.
Is there a disconnect between what really happened and how you are interpreting it? Did someone not call you back because you’re an awful person not worthy of attention or they don’t like you?
What is the truth of the situation?
The truth is that they didn’t call you back and you don’t know why.
Don’t let the negative self-talk start running and try and make you believe spend time worrying about any different than what the truth is.
Letting go of worry and blame is really difficulty because we are conditioned to hypothesize, to think ahead to ensure our safety. But many times our fear runs away with us and we start telling ourselves lies, lies to help us understand why something happened, but they’re lies that ultimately undermine our sense of self.
2) Be aware of when you blame yourself
You’ll feel it. You probably do it so often – I know I did (and I still do sometimes) – that it’s probably reflexive for you.
You automatically assume whenever something goes wrong at work or in your relationship, that it’s your fault.
You automatically say sorry (and feel sorry), whether you say sorry aloud or to yourself.
Notice when that comes up.
Notice when you raise a violent word to yourself and stop it in mid air before your strike.
3) Take responsibility for how you feel
Mahatma Gandhi said that “Nobody can hurt me without my permission.”
When we internalize a problem, when we blame our self for the way that other people feel, react, or behave, when we wonder whether we provoked an unkind word…we are taking responsibility for something that’s not ours.
Every being is the powerful creator of their own experience. Where one person fear, another person sees hope. Own your feelings as your creation. Know when you’re taking on another person’s stuff.
Don’t blame yourself. But also don’t blame others. Only you can make you feel the way that you do.
You are empowered with the gift of choice, and so can choose how you want to feel.
4) Practice experiencing your wholeness
We often take on what’s not ours because we sometimes distrust our own creative power; we’re not convinced of our own beauty, wholeness, and divine perfection.
We unconsciously feel the need the prove our worthiness to others.
But the only person who needs to be convinced of your worthiness is yourself.
How can experience your own wholeness and divinity?
Engage in activities where you can witness your own brilliance.
Witness your own ability to create beauty, happiness, and a sense of wonder—from within.
5) Be courageous about standing in your wholeness
Take a stand for the brilliant being that you are.
This doesn’t mean lashing out, being aggressive, or taking on taking on what’s not yours.
It means holding yourself in your own power.
Refusing to waver to self-sabotaging beliefs about your worthiness, for anything.
Refusing to take part in the lies about who you are and what your purpose is in this world.
It won’t be easy.
he lies are everywhere…on airbrushed magazine covers, on reality TV shows, in the news, in our work culture, in the beliefs of our dearest family and friends.
You will be barraged.
But you don’t have to participate…because you know the truth.
You know your center.
You know your true purpose.
Your only purpose is to be who you are – to be your brilliant self.
And that is enough.
If you want step-by-step guidance on how to overcome your relationship challenges, stay true to who you are (and what you want!), and create a deeply fulfilling long-term relationship, download my free GUIDE “The Smart Girl’s Guide to Dating a Divorced (or Divorcing) Man.” Simply enter your email address BELOW to access it now: